Technology for Country Folk:
1. Log On: Makin a wood stove hotter
2. Log Off: Donít add no more wood
3. Monitor: Keepin an eye on the wood stove
4. Download: Gettin the farwood off the truck
5. Mega Hertz: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood
6. Floppy Disc: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
7. Ram: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
8. Hard Drive: Gettin home in the Winter time
9. Prompt: Whut the mail ainít in the winter time
10. Windows: Whut to shut wen itís cold outside
11. Screen: Whut to shut wen itís blak fly season
12. Byte: Whut them dang flys do
13. Chip: Munchies fer the TV
14. Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
15. Modem: Whut cha did to the hay fields
16. Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrixís wife
17. Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps
18. Keyboard: Whar ya hang the dang keys
19. Software: them dang plastic forks and knives
20. Mouse: Whut eats the grain in the barn
21. Mainframe: Holds up the barn roof
22. Port: Fancy flat lander wine
23. Enter: Northerner talk for ďCímon in yíall"
24. Random Access Memory: Wen ya cainít Ďmember whut ya paid fer the rifle when your wife asks
25. Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk fer the rat hole

"Words to Live By"

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not
walk beside me, either. Leave me alone.

2. Always remember you're unique. Just like
everyone else.

3. Before you criticize someone, you should walk
a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

4. It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.

5. Some days you are the bug, some days you are
the windshield.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. Duct tape is like `the force'. It has a light side & a
dark side, and it holds the universe together.

8. Don't squat with your spurs on.

9. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a
lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

11. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your mouth is moving.

12. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

13. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then
things get worse.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.
A couple of boys exploring a field came upon a large, seemingly bottomless hole.
"How deep do you suppose it is" asked one. "Let's throw a rock in it to see" said the

They found a large rock nearby and the two hoisted it into the hole. While they
waited to hear the rock hit bottom, a goat flew past them and into the hole after the
rock. While the two puzzled boys were mulling this over, an old man approached
them asking "you kids seen my goat grazing 'round here"? One of the boys replied
"nope, but one just jumped into this hole".

"That wouldn't be mine" replied the old man...."my goat was tied to a rock".

This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm
going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the
junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since
I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's
only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away
from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and
ooh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - - Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen.
We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the
family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft
cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are
half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY
LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...
"Why do things that happen to stupid people always happen to me ! ? "
Copyright © 2000-2014 CCR All Rights Reserved
Last update June 22 2014
Subject: Weird things are happening, and they have got to stop


We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the
time! What do they think I am a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are
so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't
even recognize me.

Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.